Forever Hold Your Peace
by Gwydion
Summary: It was crucial because that damned, stupid beansprout needed to know why it was so important that he keep fighting and not lose to that Noah bastard living inside of him. The world needed people like him. It would always need people like him. And so, it seemed, did Kanda. (Takes place sometime after the Alma arc.)


Disclaimer: I do not own D,Gray-man. Takes place sometime after the Alma arc.

 **Forever Hold Your Peace**

Never once in his new life had Kanda let himself entertain the possibility of discovering new purpose once his ultimate mission was at last complete. The very idea seemed ludicrous. All he allowed himself to care about these past nine years was finding her, the woman who would forever wait for him in his dreams, and should he succeed, well, there was nothing more. His thoughts had wandered only enough to think of whether or not she would, or even could, accept him in his new, changed state. If so, he would remain with her, leaving this poisoned earth as she did. And if she had moved on, whether in life or in death, he would know that his second life had fulfilled its purpose, and he would finally lay his weary mind and body to eternal rest.

Never had he considered that the woman waiting for him was Alma, his one and only childhood friend turned akuma, willing to do everything in their power to kill him and keep their secrets. Never had he guessed that he would be so blinded by his years of self-enforced anger and hatred that it would take someone else to open his eyes to the true identity of his long lost love. Never had his imagination conjured up a scenario in which that someone would sacrifice their very humanity simply to do so.

Never had he planned for Allen Walker.

And yet, despite finding peace and laying Alma to rest for the final time, Kanda found that his heart would not allow him to follow. Not yet. His final goal achieved, nothing should have been left to tie him to this god-forsaken earth if everything had gone according to his plans. But as he well knew, plans were made to be ruined, and in this case, only one young exorcist was to blame.

He wished that he could stake that blame to the white haired boy who had forced his way into a situation Kanda wanted him nowhere near. Things would be a lot easier if he could. But in truth he knew that Allen was guiltless, his only crime opening Kanda's heart to accept a new, alternate ending to his mission. No, the one who had truly condemned him to an ending without an end was himself.

After burying Alma where the Order would never be able to desecrate the mind or body further, he had mourned. The death of his love weighed heavy upon him, but it was not his only regret. He and Alma were free. Allen, however, was now forever doomed to be caged. Being thrown into a prison cell for defying the Order was nothing compared to the sentence Kanda himself had passed on to him. Where the corrupt organization planned to confine his body, Kanda had flung open the door to welcome the one who looked to corrode his mind. But the part that truly made this unbearable was that he had done so without any reservations, knowing full well what his actions might cause.

Those dark thoughts gnawed at him, hungry and all consuming, until at last he accepted the fact that he would not be resting with Alma in that place and time. He had a new mission, a new purpose, and only afterwards would he allow himself to return for his final slumber.

His months of travel were spent organizing his thoughts. He had never been good with words. The battles ahead would surely bring danger and sorrow, but it was raising his voice to speak and admit his shame that would come the hardest. Not that the insufferable beansprout was looking for an apology. Like every gift Allen had bestowed upon others since they had met, Kanda's freedom was given to him willingly and without judgement; he had been forgiven before he had even realized he desired forgiveness. But that being the case did not absolve Kanda of his need to come clean and tell the younger man of all the thoughts that plagued him. And so he would not apologize, nor would he frame it as a debt he felt compelled to repay. He would simply retell facts, share his genuine and sincere thoughts so that Allen would hear in his own words exactly where their relationship now stood. Nothing more, nothing less.

But where to begin? There was a part of him hidden away underneath years of practiced indifference that wished to start all the way from the very beginning and explain everything. How he had hated the cursed boy that had first showed up on the Order's doorstep with all of his polite speech and vague smiles. How their mission in Mater had given him pause, made him feel for the briefest of moments that perhaps this beansprout wasn't completely worthless. And even how, if he was being truly open and honest, his desire to face Skinn Bolic alone was just as much a means to protect him and the rest of the exorcists trapped within the Ark as it was to complete his mission.

That vulnerable piece of him, however, was still buried too deep. Kanda had never been one for nostalgia or long-winded recounts of time gone by, and even his reconciliation with Alma had not changed his opinion on such things. Aside from that, he couldn't help but feel that perhaps Allen had at some point realized such things on his own, the two sharing a mutual, if tense and a bit unconventional, respect for each other.

At least, until Allen Walker was announced to be housing the fourteenth Noah within his own body, that is.

 _There._ That was where his account was truly meant to start. Everything that came before was merely the prelude. How Kanda had responded to such a declaration was the true first movement, the pebble that would cause a ripple effect that would distort every moment afterward.

In an attempt to stay focused on his ultimate goal in life, he had shut Allen out, thinking of him as no more than a wolf in sheep's clothing ready to be cut down. He had firmly believed that this outlook was the best way to ensure his own survival, an important key to completing his own mission, obvious as it was. If he could harden his heart to that stupid beansprout who had somehow wormed his way into Kanda's realm of caring, then it would be all the more easy to kill him should the Fourteenth consume his consciousness. People who cared grew timid and lacked proper conviction. But despite this, simply being around that bleeding heart of an exorcist caused his resolve to crack, and when he was the only one to notice the unmistakable aura of a Noah leaking out of Allen's body as he stood, impaled by his own Innocence, he hesitated. Instead of going for the kill, he had used his voice to wake the white haired idiot up, and, once the ordeal was over, a part of him regretted it.

He knew that the Innocence was harming Allen and drawing out the Fourteenth, and yet he couldn't kill the enemy that stood helpless before him. At the time, this had made him feel weak. Even worse, however, was the matter of what he did next.

Kanda had remained silent. He took this information which could have proven beneficial to the Order and kept it to himself; just because the Noah were his enemy didn't make the Black Order his ally. Perhaps nothing would have changed. Perhaps the Earl would still be able to follow through with his plan to use him to wake both Alma and the Fourteenth. The Order may very well have done nothing with the news of the sleeping Noah's first appearance, and it wasn't as if reporting it would have given clarity to his own warped thinking. But no matter how he tried to justify it, Kanda simply could not help but think that he could have prevented the tragedy at the North American Branch if Komui or Tiedoll or _someone_ had known that for a moment Allen had ceased to exist.

But the beansprout wouldn't be interested in regrets. It didn't matter if he felt guilty over his previous actions or not. The past would stay just there, and so no matter if such thoughts kept clawing at the back of Kanda's mind, he endeavored to push them down. Cycling through the countless scenarios that could have occurred would only prove to muddle the report he ultimately planned to deliver to Allen, and perfecting his little speech was proving hard enough the way it was, especially when the next subject to cover still caused his breath to hitch and heart to ache.

He had outright blamed Allen for all the suffering he and Alma had been through. He knew that wasn't fair, that the Noah being inside of him was hardly that idiot's fault. The young man hadn't even realized it himself until he was already a strong exorcist working to thwart the Millennium Earl – not exactly the work of someone looking to destroy the Black Order. And yet Kanda had chosen to see the world in black and white rather than the vast amount of grey he knew existed, categorizing Allen as one of those responsible for starting this entire mess of a war the second he'd learned of the Fourteenth's presence. And in his enraged state, all critical thinking and compassion turned off, he had said as much.

The words said in such a state were not what bothered him most, however. He and Allen were often throwing barbs at each other, half of which he probably never truly meant, and while this had been more scathing than his usual cursing, it on its own was not something to fret over. When he coupled it with how ferociously he had attacked his fellow exorcist, though, it was like an open wound, burning and festering no matter how he tried to mend it.

Kanda had known. Perhaps not with utmost certainty, but he had seen for himself the warning signs of what could happen if Allen's body was pierced by Innocence. Assuming it was merely from Allen's Noah purifying sword was foolish. But despite this he had attacked him without hesitation anyway. It was Mugen that awoke the Fourteenth. It was Kanda's own hands that had guided his blade to pierce the pale flesh laid bare before him, defenses dropped. And he needed _Allen_ to know, too.

This simple fact would not change anything. Telling him would not alter the past and make it so that it was no longer so. But it was important. If nothing else, he needed the beansprout to understand this one thing – this one thing above all else. It was not so that he could properly atone for his sins; it was so Allen could have at least some idea of just how amazing and humbling his next actions had been.

On the verge of being completely swallowed by the Noah within, Allen had somehow reawakened, but instead of chastising Kanda for nearly condemning his consciousness to oblivion, he had offered salvation. As soon as the other boy had understood the true nature of his and Alma's relationship, he had, without hesitation, given them back to each other, protected them from not only the Earl but the Order as well. Kanda had been too mentally and physically exhausted to fully appreciate the selfless gesture, but over time it was all he could think about. Allen had given him everything when Kanda had tried to wrench it all away.

This was what that reckless idiot needed to understand, that at his core he was and always had been good. Not perfect or benevolent or saintly, but innately and purely good. That was the point of all this. That was the reason that Kanda needed to tell him everything. He needed him to see the differences between the two of them. He needed to know that while Kanda had been selfishly working toward his singular goal, pushing down people and emotions that got in his way, Allen had always been living for everyone else's benefit despite the harm brought to himself.

It was crucial because that _damned, stupid beansprout_ needed to know why it was so important that he keep fighting and not lose to that _Noah bastard_ living inside of him.

The world needed people like him. It would always need people like him. And so, it seemed, did Kanda.

It was strange to think of how little time he and Allen had actually spent together and yet how deeply the boy had rooted himself in Kanda's heart. He supposed that was a fairly normal side effect of one sacrificing their life for another, but it was an odd and unfamiliar sensation for him nonetheless. Aside from Alma, very few had even come close to becoming such an integral part of his being. This was undoubtedly why he was struggling so much to form his thoughts into coherent sentences with which to support the exiled exorcist despite his months of preparation.

The plan had always been to say everything on his mind at the very start. Upon first seeing Allen, he would walk up to him and just tell him everything point blank, get it over with as quickly as possible. It was, after all, meant to be an encouragement and therefore it was foolish to hold back and wait for an opportune moment. But as his first encounter with Allen had been riddled with akuma attacks, a chase around the city, and a visit from the Fourteenth himself, Kanda's resolve had faltered. Johnny's constant hovering had not helped either, much as he was grateful for the man's presence and uplifting personality. Saying everything on his heart would have been hard enough to the beansprout alone let alone with someone else to lay witness to it.

"Kanda?"

But how had it come to this?

"Kanda!"

How had he managed to fail so spectacularly in his desire to convey his feelings of regret and gratitude since he first caught up with that idiot months ago?

"No… Kanda – can you hear me?"

How was it that he lay broken, cradled in the white-haired boy's arms – _Allen's_ arms, the threat of the Fourteenth's corruption banished for good – with his final and ultimate demise knocking on the door having never told him anything?

"Wake up, _BaKanda!_ "

He opened his mouth to speak. That had to change. It had to. He would allow himself to join Alma in hell only after Allen heard everything he had to say.

"Kanda! You're alive! Just hang on, Kanda – don't – "

Grasping at the carefully formed sentences he'd strung together so meticulously almost a year ago now, he found them to be jumbled and hazy. His head was pounding and every inch of his body felt like it was on fire, but he shoved the distractions away as best he could and focused on what needed to be said.

"It's alright, Kanda, you don't have to – "

He was sure that the words flowing from his mouth were near incomprehensible, but he pressed onwards, hoping he was relating everything he had meant to over the past several months. The weeks of ignoring, turning his back to the Fourteenth's awakening, blaming him for his own sorry lot in life…

"Kanda…"

…and the other's bafflingly selfless actions. Somehow, even though the Noah once inside of him would no longer plague the young man and he therefore no longer needed to hear his words of encouragement, Kanda had to say them. It was all but pointless, an opinion perhaps unwanted from someone on their deathbed. But Allen had to know – how important, how needed, how wholly _good_ he was. He had to know. This one thing – he _had_ to.

"…thank you, Kanda. You don't have to say anything more. I heard you. Thank you."

Weariness seeped into the core of his being, but he continued to mumble out what he hoped were words. He couldn't have said enough. It had taken him so long to gather up all of the details he had wanted to include and prune them to perfection. It was not possible that it all could have been conveyed so easily, was it? But as his mind began to go blank and his vision grew fuzzy, he felt the arms around him tighten ever so slightly and a warm, wet cheek rested against his forehead.

"It's alright, Kanda. I know. Thank you. You can finally rest now. Just promise me you'll be at peace, you stubborn BaKanda."

Peace, rest - the beansprout was offering him one last gift. As his eyes drifted shut, a sense of freedom he'd not imagined he'd ever experience washed over him, leaving the ghost of a smile on his lips as his body turned cold.

* * *

A/N: Well now, never expected to be writing any D,Gray-man fanfiction. Guess that's what happens when your favorite arc suddenly gets animated years later. Who knows if there's any more in me, but I had fun with this!

As always, critics and grammar police are appreciated!


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